Day 12

We all know that there are some days as moms that we just want to drop our kids off at Grandma's and have a day off. But when your ability to be a hands on mom to your kids is taken away from you it is extremely difficult. It's not easy knowing that other people are doing what you have always done and what is your job. I have no doubt that the friends and family that are watching my kids are doing a fabulous job, probably better than me, frankly. But they're my kids, and I miss them.

I wish so much I could be doing the everyday things that I took for granted. I want to play games with them, read to them, make cookies with/for them, go on walks with them, be silly with them, praise their achievements, help them learn things, take them to parks, take them to the library, and so much more. It hurts so much that I can't do those things. But, my greatest fear is that when I finally get to go home and be a mom again I'll forget how it felt to be in this hospital room and go right back to my old ways. That I'll be "too busy" to play or "too tired" to help (I'm sure I really will be for a while) or just plain too selfish to get down on the floor (again, that might also need to wait a while) and play with my kids or be there for them when they need me. I'm not saying I never was there for them or I never played with them, but a lot of the time I felt bothered by their cries for attention and would have rather done my own thing. I don't ever want to forget how I feel right now because this is making me more determined than ever to be a better mom.

I'm so grateful that I get to be a mom to two, almost three beautiful children. I love them so much, and I cringe at every failing I've ever had as a mom because I understand now more than ever how blessed I really am to have them in my life.